yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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