You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
