If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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