we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Vodka?
Forever.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
