if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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