I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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