Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Randomize
