The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
