I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
