I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
