i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
