There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
