My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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