So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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