Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
