tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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