I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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