I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
