Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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