I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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