did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
