Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
