We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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