Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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