Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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