why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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