just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
