Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
