just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
