Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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