Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
