so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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