I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
