if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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