I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
