i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
