Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
