Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
