i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
