So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
