I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
