Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
