I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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