You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
