who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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