At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
