she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The feeling are messing with the penis
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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