she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
