it hurts more in the daytime
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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