So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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