i permit you to call me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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